Matt Gibson (gothick_matt) wrote,
Matt Gibson

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Progressive Disease

I just found this in an old folder of my random scribblings. It may be applicable to certain members of my friends list:

Progressive Disease

Thank you for requesting information about Progressive Disease. You have taken the first step towards better mental health!

The Progressive Disease Help Centre was formed in the late 1980s, when it became apparent that certain styles of music which had been popular in the 1970s could be both addictive and dangerous to the listener's wellbeing. The effects of these music styles are collectively known as Progressive Disease. You may have heard this disease described more colloquially as "ageing hippie-itis".

The Progressive Disease Help Centre is a registered charity that offers help and advice to people of all ages who suffer from Progressive Disease.

Am I In Danger?

To find out if you are likely to suffer from Progressive Disease, take this small multiple choice test:

1) How old are you?

A) Under 30
B) Over 30
C) I don't know, man, I lost track during the Seventies.

2) Are you male or female?

A) Female
B) Male
C) I don't know, man, I lost track during the Seventies.

3) Which music are you most likely to dance to?

A) Destiny's Child
B) Queen
C) A twenty-minute bass solo.

4) Which name are you most likely to choose for your child?

A) Kylie
B) Satchel
C) Fish

5) What is the best thing about the invention of the Compact Disc?

A) Digital sound quality
B) All my favourite LPs have been remastered
C) One song can last seventy four minutes now, man!

6) How many drugs did you take during the Seventies?

A) I wasn't alive during the Seventies
B) Marijuana
C) All of them, I think.

Score no points for each (A), one point for each (B), and two points for each (C) answer. Interpret the results as follows:

Less than 5 points: You're quite safe.

5-8 points: Borderline proggie. Try listening to some music from the 21st century and see if your condition improves.

9-12 points: You need, like, help, man.

What are the effects?

Do not underestimate the dangers of Progressive Disease. Symptoms can include:

Failure to recognise any music recorded after 1983.
Spontaneous growth of very faded T-shirts.
The use of record players.
The ability to dance in 7/8 time.
A desire to learn to play "Stairway to Heaven".

If not treated, Progressive Disease can lead to deafness, facial hair and Tangerine Dream.

For more information, contact your healthcare professional.

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